my fake plastic life

you kill me

Sun, 23 Oct 2005 02:58:13 GMT

I'm shaking. about to cry. and he might have a girlfriend. I feel. a lot of things. I want people to write on here again because lack of myspace and livejournal makes me sad. I don't know what's going on anymore.

the feelings she hides, she's lost in her mind

Tue, 09 Aug 2005 14:14:17 GMT

I feel like everything's going in slow motion, my brain is dead, yet everything goes by so quickly. my life is fast forward slow motion too boring idiotic.. pointless. It's all a game we play just for a pastime as we wait to die. Like a big fucking merrygoround that you get on but go only in circles, destination: right back where you came from. What do you do in your spare time? Any interesting hobbies? I like to sit and watch the seconds, minutes, hours tick by. I am wearing an abercrombie shirt. Fashion is a bitch. I am a fragmented girl, girl interupted. Part of me slashes my wrists and gleefully watches as blood drips, while I rub neosporan on tell-tale scars that fade too quickly. Must I live this meaningless life? What fresh hell? It's all shit on a half-shell, you don't need me to tell you that.

the pupil in denial

Tue, 02 Aug 2005 14:40:28 GMT

i want to die i want to die i want to die
there is nothing else to say, nor to do
lost inside stupid girl, fucked up girl
"I can't breath for the first time"
i'm a stupid cliche and when i'm dead
no one remembers, i know they don't
to cry would be a sweet release which I know not of
the feeling's gone, tape doesn't hold me together
"why do you do that?" why do you ask
you know she doesnt know and if she did
she would never tell ...... you
her heart broken, hospital visits, wire restraint
something wrong, she's passed out on your floor
when she wakes up still
i want to die i want to die i want to die
bloody tiles, bloody sheets, bloody bloodbath
pink fashion conceals self destruction
it's not hard to string words together
especially when you're insane
"i don't know" "you don't know?" "i don't know"
"that's quite all right" echoes in my mind
i want to crash onto the floor
feel sweet hard bitter hate that is love smash
against my face, brake me
why did he have to do it? why did i have to be stupid?
why am i still alive? I should have died long ago and then
all this never would have happened
I want to bleed all over these nice things
cry on his unloving shoulder
why doesn't he love me
why doesn't he love me
why doesn't he love me
i loath myself and sleep on the couch
maskara on your coushons, despair in your eyes
i don't want to fly across streets
i don't want to smile and laugh in glorious happiness
i wish i could say i don't want you to hold me
but i do
"can't take me mind, can't take my mind off of you,
till I find someone new"

lalalalalalalalalalalalalalala

Tue, 26 Jul 2005 17:09:56 GMT

I'm a little closer to feeling!

I will remember you . . . will you remember me?

Sun, 10 Jul 2005 14:03:07 GMT

anyways.... ross..... people.... home.... gah i don't know. I feel really wierd and confused and I slept in my moms bed all day and night and when I finally go into my room it smells like barf. it freaked me out man... I feel out of place. odd. And I don't know just really wierd like nothing happened or everything did and I can't beleive I'm here at home. It sounds stupid but sometimes I feel like my heart is swelling up and I can't breath or something. And then again, sometimes I just couldn't care less. Not completely about ross just ..... everything. it's over. but still i don't know how i could have been so naiive. I wrote a poem about sadness and breakingup-ness. I don't feel like sharing.

the broken hearted, confused, and misplaced

nerd camp is the way to go

Wed, 06 Jul 2005 14:46:55 GMT

ooooooooo wow i have sooooooo much to tell you i had beautiful things to write last night but i didn't put them down on paper and noooooowwwwwww they have dissappeared........ aw man. shitttttttt o well how is everyone??????? I miss you guys so much!!!!! I didn't get to watch the fireworks on fourth of july and i believe that led to a very unfortunate chain of events o well ttyl love love love Eva

i hurt the flower

Mon, 27 Jun 2005 22:54:06 GMT

what the fuck is going on? I'm so confused.

I had liike 3 cups of coffee and i'm soooooo tired. fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

why doesn't he love me???????

What a Wonderful World

Mon, 20 Jun 2005 16:49:49 GMT

I finally see skies of blue, and I think I'm gonna be OK. As for my writing skills, I don't know. My classes were canceled due to lack of interest. But for some reason, I'm releived, I don't know why. So many things are happening and I don't know how or why, they just do. I'm going to new york, I have some new things, I'm getting more tan, life is better. I haven't tried to cut for a few days and I'm really not planning on it. Kati left this morning and it made me sad. I had a dream that it was time for finals and Halli cried and yelled something out and I blew her a kiss. I got lost in the bathrooms and my hair turned light blue and a cheerleader hit me in the face with a door. I had a headache when I woke up but it disappeared after some scrambled eggs and a pleasant morning discussion about plans with my mom. Everythings gonna be alright? When I go to NYC I decided to be outlandish and be a different person and experience a bunch of culture and wear crazy clothes and be fantastic and make friends and be crazy. lovely, just lovely. Whatever I took my Zoloft I'm gonna go sunbathe. Come to teen swim every weekday 9-10 at Grant pool! I'll be there!

well............. sheeeeeeeeeeut

Sat, 18 Jun 2005 19:52:28 GMT

i got a d in bio.
but this is good.
now i retake it
in summer school
one semester
instead of two
time for vacation
NEW YORK
FUCK YEAH
I LOVE MY LIFE!
hey you guys...
come visit me!

ok loves

ps what does chipper mean?

c'est votre vie vous passant près

Fri, 17 Jun 2005 14:50:40 GMT

well this is my summer. I start poetry class next monday for five days. Then the next week it is memoirs. After that, six weeks of conceptual physics. Well, my summer has started wonderfully, but it does not seem as though shall end up like so. HAYLEY AND I ARE GOING ON THE OTTER POP DIET! I'm excited for that. I've gone somewhere or done something every day for the last two days and I feel accomplished. I think I'll go clean because I only have four hours before I go to lunch with my mutti. Where has everyone gone? How will I know what is going on with you? Please write. Or call me to talk. I need this. I need my life to keep going continuously without hesitation, no pregnant pauses.

I am good. Except for last night night I cried for no reason and tried to hack at my self with dull scissors. Well it didn't work. But I am alright now.

I trust that someday I may begin to believe in my future. For now I await that day and cry that it is not here as of yet. Maybe this is why......

anyway. the point is. . . suddenly my life doesn't seem such a waste.

hello jake!

Wed, 15 Jun 2005 17:57:17 GMT

i'm listening to opera while the day is almost gone
i overslept and now it sucks
im going to clean
then visit you
in your dreams

I never wanted to be this way

Wed, 15 Jun 2005 05:14:13 GMT

well i don't know who you are, you girl in the mirror
it's not as if I would care to either
what the hell is my life
f♥ck i hate the f♥cking tv always blaring in the background

me talk pretty one day

Tue, 14 Jun 2005 14:11:21 GMT

my life has passed me by and everything I had planned
someday fades into a dream that I can't remember
because that's the way I am
that's the way it is
my life will never be beautiful or profound
it will just be stuck, here, as it is now, in this land of hellish nightmares
spun from gossomer strands of a bland life and dead thoughts
i hate this place, i hate myself, it doesn't go away
im drunk in English but he's gone and it's all gone
everything I ever wanted is 20 lightyears away
and i don't even know how far that is.
please make my life fall away because it's better than waiting

well this means i'm cool

Tue, 14 Jun 2005 03:42:46 GMT

I have friends! yay! I'm happy for myself! . . . kinda.

dont give me shit about i'm ditching old friends ~ you ditched me first so there. anyways i still love ya and call me still if you think of it! ♥

why hasn't anyone written on here in so long?

GAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH

Sun, 12 Jun 2005 23:54:22 GMT

my life just feels somewhat torturous in all it's simplicity and happiness. I'm sooo lonely and aching.

i know why your heart cries

Sun, 12 Jun 2005 17:48:29 GMT

the sun went away and i am cold again

i ♥ jake

but lingering kisses must eventually fade away

that's how the story really ends

automatic supersonic hypnotic funky fresh

Fri, 10 Jun 2005 21:34:15 GMT

life is good
and now i'm smiling
but strangely enough
there's still something missing
i'm looking forward again
but the now is empty
i'll try to listen to my heart
but it hasn't been tested
you know - for retardedness

A guidei'm hot and my hair looks hot ok go i'm a beast yay! to not giving a fuck

Thu, 09 Jun 2005 19:19:43 GMT

im hot my hair is hot im a beast yay. i got starbucks yay

We're all going to hell

Sun, 05 Jun 2005 14:48:29 GMT

Hilary Duff and friends
giant dinosaurs
they almost stepped on you
i ran away into the mountains
dad was there
we went to find me a manicure
and asked the hookers for help
when i got there
natalie gave me a hug from behind
i say hi natalie and she leaves
i go to the pool of security
and a fat animal thing
comes out of the house
ew that is so gross i scream
and the cat comes over
and it's natalie even though
she doesn't say anything
i heart natalie
where the fuck is my manicure?

But I am not a queen

Thu, 02 Jun 2005 15:11:47 GMT

I wish I could be beautiful. I want long long long pants to wear with 4 inch heels but just pretend I am that tall. I don't want to be sexy or anything, I just want to be loved. Is that too much to ask? I just want to kiss someone and wear something that is amazing and take a valium so i won't be so aware. So you can't see me? I can't see you either. Because you're behind a big giant wall and it's gray and giving me a headache. I think I need some phoenix tears for my arm and elephant tranquilizers for my brain and I'm not compulsive just insane. Where the hell is prince charming because I've been waiting to be swept off my feet but all I have is some shoes that hurt and a box of condoms. I wanna go sniff some glue. I wanna be sedated. I think I'll go OD now.

This shit is bananas

Thu, 02 Jun 2005 00:48:28 GMT

B-A-N-A-N-A-S!

I had fun going to the hospital where I got to watch sex and the city on cable. I get to take more meds.

it's not until next week and i have a therapy appointment

Wed, 01 Jun 2005 01:46:21 GMT

my life is fucked
i want to die
i hate myself
i have a headache
and a red bra
that matches my blood
ok that's nice
have fun cutting yourself
you stupid ugly bitch

me too

Tue, 31 May 2005 00:03:16 GMT

your weakness: everything
your strengths: being fake
your heart: is heavy
favorite lyircs: I'm thinking it's a sign that the freckles in our eyes are mirror images and when we kiss they're perfectly alligned
song that desribes you: we might as well be strangers
song that desribes who you want to be: ready for the good times
song that desribes your current mood: gah kelly clarkson behind these hazel eyes
perfect evening: i don't believe in being happy. i don't remember it.
meal you wish you could cook: no i already cook too much
fav. quote: I used to love him but i had to kill him
one fav. designer of yours: john galliano
if you were a song title: behind her hazel eyes
the title to the movie about your life: my life would make a hella boring movie
dream job: gold digger.
kind of weather you are: when it rains on and off
age you wish you were: 0
drink of choice: bourbon. no scotch. no protein shake. NO BAILEY'S IRISH CREAM
drug of choice: dior
if you were a physical action: huddled and crying and writhing in a corner

Mon, 30 May 2005 23:49:30 GMT

The sisterhood of the traveling pants is showing at 1:10 on wednesday at Lloyd Center thingy (that's the one outside the mall). It's $6.25. May I remind you that that's the day of the jr. rose parade sooo be there at like 1:00 OK????!!!! GO! LOVE YAAAA

so sad

Sun, 29 May 2005 20:48:17 GMT

(x) smoked a cigarette
( ) smoked a cigar
( ) crashed a friend's car
( ) stolen a car
( ) been in love
( ) been dumped
( ) shoplifted
( ) been fired
( ) been in a fist fight
(x) snuck out of my parent's house
(x) had feelings for someone who didnt have them back
( ) made out with a stranger
( ) gone on a blind date
(x) lied to a friend
(x) had a crush on a teacher
(x) skipped school
(x) seen someone die
(x) had a crush on one of your myspace friends
(x) been to Canada
(x) been to Mexico
(x) been on a plane
( ) thrown up in a bar
( ) purposely set a part of myself on fire
(x) eaten Sushi
( ) been snowboarding
(x) met someone in person from myspace
( ) been in an abusive relationship
(x) taken painkillers (only for pain)
( ) love someone or miss someone right now
(x) laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by
(x) made a snow angel
(x) had a tea party
(x) flown a kite
(x) built a sand castle
(x) gone puddle jumping
(x) played dress up
(x) jumped into a pile of leaves
(x) gone sledding
(x) cheated while playing a game
(x) been lonely
(x) fallen asleep at work/school
( ) used a fake id
(x) watched the sun set
(x) felt an earthquake
(x) touched a snake
(x) slept beneath the stars
(x) been tickled (^^)
(x) been robbed
(x) been misunderstood
(x) pet a reindeer/goat
( ) won a contest
( ) run a red light
(x) been suspended from school
( ) been in a car accident
(x) had/have braces
(x) felt like an outcast
(x) eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night
(x) had deja vu
(x) danced in the moonlight
(x) hated the way you look
(x) witnessed a crime
(x) pole danced
(x) questioned your heart
( ) been obsessed with post-it notes
( ) squished barefoot through the mud
(x) been lost
(x) been to the opposite side of the country
(x) swam in the ocean
(x) felt like dying
(x) cried yourself to sleep
(x) played cops and robbers
(x) recently colored with crayons/colored pencils/markers
( ) sung karaoke
(x) paid for a meal with only coins
(x) done something you told yourself you wouldn't
(x) made prank phone calls
(x) laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose
(x) caught a snowflake on your tongue
(x) danced in the rain
(x) written a letter to Santa Claus
( ) been kissed under a mistletoe
( ) watched the sun set with someone you care about
(x) blown bubbles
(x) made a bonfire on the beach
(x) crashed a party
(x) gone rollerskating
( ) had a wish come true
( ) humped a monkey (wtf?! that is SO random)
(x) worn pearls
( ) jumped off a bridge
(x) screamed penis in class
(x) ate dog/cat food
(x) told a complete stranger you loved them
(x) kissed a mirror
(x) sang in the shower
(x) had a dream that you married someone
(x) glued your hand to something
( ) got your tongue stuck to a flag pole
( ) kissed a fish
(x) been a dancer
(x) sat on a roof top
(x) screamed at the top of your lungs
( ) done a one-handed cartwheel
(x) talked on the phone for more than 6 hours
(x) stayed up all night
( ) didn't take a shower for a week
(x) pick and ate an apple right off the tree
(x) climbed a tree
(x) had a tree house
(x) are paranoid to watch scary movies alone
(x) believe in ghosts (spirits)
(x) have more then 30 pairs of shoes
(x) worn a really ugly outfit to school just to see what others say
( ) gone streaking
( ) played ding-dong-ditch
( ) played chicken
(x) been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on
(x) been told you're hot by a complete stranger
( ) broken a bone
(x) been easily amused
( ) caught a fish then ate it
(x) made porn
(x) caught a butterfly
(x) laughed so hard you cried
( ) cried so hard you laughed
(x) mooned/flashed someone
(x) had someone moon/flash you
(x) cheated on a test
( ) made out in the rain
(x) had a Brittany Spears CD
(x) forgotten someone's name
(x) slept naked
(x) French braided someones hair
( ) gone skinny dipping in a pool
( ) made out with a member of the same sex
(x) been kicked out of your house
(x) killed an animal
( ) had sex
( ) had 3 some